A subject that is present for me every day, and a word that I'll probably use every day is anxiety.
Anxiety has been present since my early years but became what felt like a larger issue at the age of 10. I'm now 23.
What I wanted to talk about this week is my experience of anxiety in the hopes that anyone reading will feel comforted. Maybe you are my age and can find similarities to me, or you're at school and not sure what you're experiencing and perhaps it's similar to my experience.
I am a talker and it helps me to discuss what's going on in my mind and emotions. That being said, sharing this on the internet is a wee bit different and a little bit uncomfortable- but I have good reason so I'll continue.
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I feel like, to properly talk about this I need to start from the beginning. As I mentioned, there are signs of anxiety in my early years. I'd say I had always been a nervous child but when the anxiety became a problem- it was irrational and affecting my day to day- was when I was 10 years old in Juniors' school. I remember starting to feel incredibly nervous before assemblies, school plays and when I'd have to speak in front of the class. I'm introverted now but back then I was very shy- to the point where the fact that I would blush became a 'thing' that I was known for. Not always teased but not always received kindly.
My nervousness became physical; I would feel sick and quite often be sick, my heart would pound very fast, my hands and legs would shake, I'd wake up sporadically in the night feeling so nervous I couldn't help but fidget. There are probably more physical effects of anxiety than what I can remember, though.
All of this was at the thought of being called up to the front of the assembly room, embarrassing myself, blushing red or seeing certain people and what they'd think of me if I did embarrass myself. It felt as if I'd be proving them right if I messed up.
Gradually these feelings got bigger and worse and worse, applying themselves to other situations like school parties, PE or big group activities. This continued through to secondary school where much the same would happen and I'd be terrified of assemblies from Monday even if they were on a Friday. I endured so much stress if there was a pop-up assembly in the middle of the week. Then it got to Friday morning after the assembly and I'd feel so much better that it was over. Of course, the week begins again and that Sunday feeling of nerves was very strong.
I'd feel nervous about walking through the busy halls, the potential of having to speak in front of my class, and certain people in my class that weren't kind. I remember feeling relief if one of the mean girls wasn't in that day.
I remember countless occasions when I'd feel these nerves, but looking back I never knew that what I was experiencing was anxiety or even what that word meant entirely. I felt different from the people around me at school and aware that others were so chilled about the things I was so scared of. But I think my main focus was what I was nervous about and found difficult rather than why I was finding it so difficult.
There was a conversation I had with my friend that always pops up in my mind when I think about this and it was just before our group of 4 was about to present in an assembly to my year group of roughly 130. We were age 14/15 which feels so young now I think about it. The year group were filing into the blue room lined with thick black curtains and bright lighting, sitting on their chairs a few minutes before the presentation. I was telling her about how I felt so sick (which I really meant because back then I would throw up with nerves- apologies for the TMI) and I asked her if she felt like that, to which she replied, 'no, I just feel butterflies in my stomach'. From then I started to think about how my nerves were different to everyone I'd been around. I was aware that I was different and perhaps a bit odd to people that just don't understand these nerves for these particular situations.
A big part of my anxiety- which I didn't connect is a part of it until recently- is that I always feel behind in life and like I'm missing out. Or have missed out on something I can't do again. When I left school, there was a huge slap in the face where I realised that I had been so busy focusing on my anxieties and getting through school that I hadn't stopped to think about what I wanted to do with my life. I mean this in terms of goals, a career, and my bucket list. Essentially my life. Anxiety had become such an enormous part of my decisions, likes and dislikes that I hadn't ever considered what I wanted. It was more about what I thought anxiety would get in the way of. To be honest I still feel like this to an extent now but the lockdown has enabled me to see life in a different way, where it's about the experiences you have that make up your life.
I also look back at my time at school and feel so rubbish that I didn't go to parties and have much of a social life (I was working too but could've made time if I'd wanted).
When I did leave school and start following my passions I went to college to study fashion and textiles where I truly loved spending my time. It was such a reverse from my school days, I would stay for hours longer than I needed to and throw myself into my work. I made friends and had a good relationship with the teachers and classmates. I would walk around and people knew my name. Crazyness compared to school where I would hide as much as possible (not literally). It helped a lot that my teachers were so understanding of my anxiety and encouraging. The fact that there were no longer assemblies was a huge obstacle taken out of the equation. Plus making the decision to follow my passion for me was a real shift in my life.
My time at college is something I'll always treasure and account for as the person I am today, but that's not to say that there weren't challenges with anxiety and that it was all smooth sailing. It was a very hard decision to go, I had to take the leap. It took me a while to settle but once I started to do well with my work, everything picked up. It's the best decision (and one of the hardest) I have ever made, to say yes.
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The thing with anxiety is, which I now know and understand, that everyone gets nervous and it's your body trying to protect you. But it's when the nerves become irrational and affect how you live that it's a problem.
You know when you're talking to someone that doesn't understand what you mean and I feel that those people are so lucky to not have experienced nerves in this way. It sucks when no one gets you but what I've found in the last 4 years is that a lot more people are open about their experience of anxiety than when I was at school, and are open to talk about it. In my real life and with people I follow online. Those individuals, I seek comfort in because it's a reminder that: you know this annoying thing of mine I've had for years? this person has trouble with anxiety too. I'm not on my own. I think this is why I love having conversations about anxiety with people I trust because it allows me to open up and not feel so weighed down by the part of me I try to keep below the surface. I have the best relationships with people that listen and are compassionate, as I am to them.
The important thing is that I surround myself with people who:
a) Don't understand it but are patient, that listen and root for you to do well regardless of how easy they can do something you struggle with.
b) Also, people that do get what you say because they experience anxiety themselves.
On that subject, no two people with anxiety will experience it exactly the same. You can have similarities but you won't find difficulty in the exact same situations. It's important to know this in order to understand that everyone has different ways of dealing with things. For example, I like to talk about the anxiety I'm feeling with the people I'm with at that moment. It helps me to address it because If I were to take a moment outside, then people would understand and I'd feel that support. Whereas if you recognise anxiety in someone else, they may not like you to address it if it's helpful to them to keep it to themselves.
There have been more scenarios than I can count where someone has tried to help me by doing something that doesn't help at all and I end up feeling worse. For this I say, ask the people around you how they would like you to best support them in their anxious moments.
It wasn't until I was at college that I made a very good friend who also deals with anxiety. It changed the way I saw it. I realised that it's ok to put things in place to make it easier for myself, especially when I hadn't yet got to grips with what my obstacles were and how to help myself. I learnt that It's ok to talk to people that can help. It was also amazing to have someone at college each day that I could talk to and share with.
I finished a round of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy sessions last year that has taught me so much about myself so I now feel on a better route to helping myself.
I struggled for a long time with assemblies but only at the very end of secondary school did I think to hold my hands up and say, this is something I'm really struggling with that's not getting better, I need help. Continuing to go to assemblies and lessons I was nervous about is commendable, I definitely give younger me a lot of credit. However, starting Cognitive Behavioural Therapy earlier, being given tools and techniques to help me sooner, would have been so wonderful in helping me to deal with it and perhaps get used to those obstacles.
Knowing this makes me feel passionate to spread the word about anxiety, particularly experienced amongst younger ages.
Don't get me wrong, there were incredible teachers that were absolutely brilliant and I'm forever thankful to them. But it was a bigger issue than the individual obstacles I faced day-to-day. It's tricky to suggest to someone that they may need help but so important.
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Over the years, my anxieties have applied themselves to other situations. I've found new worries and challenges, feelings have increased and decreased at times. But I've got better at things I used to struggle with.
One example is going up on stage in a room full of people to collect an award. I did this at college twice and both times were incredibly difficult but I managed to do it, feeling beyond amazing afterwards. Like I could do anything. You know when you play Super Mario and your character hits a lightning star that gives you speed and life protection for 20 seconds? It felt like that for a good while after. Like I was running on a high and I felt brilliant.
An example of a less common fear is travelling on the train by myself. I've done this literally hundreds of times now so it's kind of unbelievable that this was a factor in deciding to go to college or not- because I was terrified of travelling on my own.
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I want readers with anxiety to know that, in my case, anxiety hasn't stayed the same. I still experience it every day because it's a part of me but It's been a long time since I've actually thrown up because of it- don't get me wrong, I've come close but it's definitely not a large step in my nerves.
My biggest advice would be to start a conversation about your anxiety with someone you trust. As soon as I spoke to a loved one, a huge weight of stress, tension and sadness lifted and I felt more connected to them as a result. I was in a dark place but as soon as I spoke about how I was feeling things got better from there- still hard but better.
Big love and remember to talk,
Bud xx
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