Results and Anxiety Accomplishment / Tangent
On Friday the 16th of August I travelled to collect the results of my hard work from the past year doing Art and Design... but this wasn't exactly what was making me anxious.
If you've ever experienced anxiety you will know that it's irrational and often the things that cause anxiety are what people don't really expect to hear. I had a plan in my head to collect my results and go out shopping and roam around by myself afterwards which I've never done before.
*I want to mention that the reason I wasn't nervous for my results is that I had a very good indication of what they were before finding out officially.
Full disclosure, I felt very nervous before leaving the house. I was getting ready for the day and considering alternatives to going by myself. This is quite crazy to me because I had done this travel so many times before but with these times I had a purpose and I knew exactly (roughly, thereabouts) what to expect when I arrived and what I would be doing. On this day, however, I had a purpose that would take me all of 2 minutes and then I would be a free lady, ok to roam around as I wished. I considered just coming home but I could sense the crushing disappointed feeling I'd get when I didn't manage to do the very normal thing I'd envisioned in my head.
As I was getting ready, I decided to watch videos from one of my favourite Youtube creators who I remembered does the lone travel often. So I sat in the bath trying to relax my muscles and soak up this motivational energy from the videos. These thoughts of someone travelling around and being ok in themselves whilst perhaps slightly nervous paired with my own it's ok and take little steps thoughts and I was able to head for the train.
One of the things that made this trip a little bit harder is that this day coincided with my anxiety being slightly higher at the moment. Being out of the swing of doing things daily that scare you a little tends to have a domino effect. Even though I have grown leaps and bounds over my anxiety, I still find things very difficult and especially when the feelings are heightened.
It's a funny thing, anxiety because I personally find that I like to have a practice round before whatever it is. I think this is because I then know what to expect and where I'm going and what have you. It reminds me of a digital game I used to play as a child, I have no memory of the name but essentially you move your character and crush objects to make a path for yourself. A practice round with a loved one feels like that; you're making a path for yourself that you rarely stray from. Now, this isn't a bad thing at all- It's a helpful technique. It's just something I recognised as I took the walk I had taken many many times before.
So it was beginning to rain as I made my way to the office where my results were sitting. I chatted to a very lovely man and discovered I got a High Distinction grade!! Whoop Whoop!! Absolutely over the moon with my results. The satisfaction made all the better because I earned it doing what I love doing; creating!
I will share my final outcomes soon...just not yet.
It was a flying visit and as I stood preparing my things to leave I watched the rain pour down with all its force, through the wall of windows in front of me. I had a coat- one of the positives with anxiety being always planning- and I was considering what to do next. I decided to phone a friend to let them know about my results as I made my way to the shops. Having this distraction really helped and I actually kept them on the line with me for a few shops. My goal was to look for a magazine featuring someone I admire. This was going to be a treat for not letting anxiety win.
Eventually, my phone friend had to go- after checking that I was ok. I'd kind of decided to go solo at this point anyway and I was in a bookshop- in a place, I'm comfortable where books and stories envelop me. I felt nervous but all in all fine.
When the magazine was nowhere to be seen I remembered another Item I desperately wanted to find and I made it my mission to go further into the shopping area and find When the curtain falls; a book by Carrie Hope Fletcher.
Waterstones was the place I needed to be. I couldn't find When the Curtain Falls on the shelf so I ended up having to ask a lovely lady who worked there- I had to build up more courage to do this than I would if I was with someone else. There's something more daunting when you're by yourself. She directed me to the last copy of the book which, paired with another, was buy one get one-half price. So I ended up getting The Postcard by Zoe Folbigg as well. This one is a sequel which means that I have another book to look for on a day like this. Instantly, It felt like my trip out to the shops was worthwhile. I had the paperback I've been waiting around a year to read and a new book to get stuck in to.
After this, I had given myself more confidence and journeyed to a few more shops- all of which I had been in before, just not alone. I was delighted to discover another Vintage Emporium which is one of my favourite places to be and especially when it's the first visit. I found some really cool stuff (as you would expect in a place brilliantly named Emporium): Old photographs of old actors, Mannequin heads, Avante Garde furniture, Vintage nick nacks, Doctor Who memorabilia, a whole section dedicated to guitars, Vintage posters, records, a 3D go-kart sized car to feature on the wall and so many more random things that you never knew you needed.
Surprisingly, I left the Emporium without a thing. I think I just got so excited I wasn't sure what to get.
I found myself at the train station in the cold wind and rain, wrapped up in my coat with my beloved books at my side, messaging everyone my results. I ordered a hot chocolate (another thing I had to build myself up for) to warm my hands up as I reflected on my day and the turn It took.
So what typically is a miserable rainy day I had actually turned into a positive one. I am really proud of myself at the end of it.
I wanted to share this day not only because of my amazing results and accomplishments but because I take comfort in hearing other peoples stories of anxiety- especially in circumstances not often shared but areas of living I find anxiety-provoking.
There have been hesitations to post this but today I read an interview of someone who inspires me and gives me comfort, hopefully sharing my experience helps someone reading this in some way.
So many things helped me on this day and all of them are to do with my individual experiences and what I've learnt over the years. It helped massively to have a purpose and no pressure to be somewhere. I recommend this if you struggle with anxiety- perhaps not even travelling alone but taking someone with you to go out, find that item and come back again. The acts that seem small can often feel like the biggest.
Thank you for reading today's post. I will see you again very soon.
All my love,
Buddy xx
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