Catch up- Mental health chat & what I've been up to

Hello everybody and welcome to Friday.

I've just returned from a little trip away from home and I thought I would catch up with my blog as I have really missed my little space of the internet. If I'm not writing and editing, I'm planning on writing and uploading, and I've craved getting back to it. 

I'm going to be super honest with my blog post today and share how I've been, what I've been up to, and generally how I'm feeling. Especially at this point in time when we find ourselves post lockdown in the UK, still dealing with the coronavirus pandemic and 'normal' life is starting up again; a completely new situation for all of us. Also where I am in my life is different from what it possibly would've been and I'm feeling like a catch-up is very needed to get it all out of my head.

*deep breath* I have no idea what I'm doing and sometimes I feel lost. 

I'm not even entirely confidant that I want to share that but the reason I will is that It's helped me to hear others say the same, and then it's like a giant comfort hug with many people in the same boat instead of a boat just for one.

I have no idea what I'm doing and I feel a bit lost. Can anyone relate to this?

Since the pandemic, I've found myself at a standstill where I can't work out where I'm going next, and nor can I work out if what I'm doing is worth doing. I guess this is normal self-doubt and I have stages where this feeling feels heavier. In particular, this has been the case very recently.

With my anxiety, I have found more of the smaller things a challenge which I consider to have come from falling out of my routine pre-pandemic. So I'm not regularly doing the small things that would subconsciously help me tackle the bigger challenges. I won't go through all of the situations that make me anxious because that wouldn't be fun for me, but I feel like the pool of worries and anxious feelings have got bigger- and not necessarily always pandemic related.

Comparison and guilt...

On top of this, I've been struggling a lot with comparing myself to others without meaning to. I can so easily feel rubbish after scrolling through social media. For me, it's the thought that everyone is ahead of me whereas I'm staying in the same place.

I get in mindsets sometimes where I'm fully honed in on how lost I feel and I just think who am I? what do I like? am I where I'm meant to be at this point in my life? I'm 22 years old and quite a few people tell me that I'm still young and it's ok to not figure everything out yet but how do I figure it all out? 

Even on my little trip away, I had some wobbles even though I desperately tried to focus on myself and my life. 

Then, very aptly, a turnaround happened where what I was scrolling through felt appropriate to me. As well as many gorgeous quotes by Laura Jane Illustrations popping up on my Instagram feed, Zoe Sugg shared an Insta story about this subject that made me feel better. It took the edge off of what I was feeling. Instead of writing what she said I'll include a screengrab of the story...

We are all on completely different life journeys. I want to look back on my life and feel happy- even as far as the previous month. I want to know that I made decisions based on my health and happiness, regardless of what the person next to me is doing. I may find things a little more difficult than Sally* over the road but I'm putting in the effort to make things easier for myself.

*metaphor. I don't actually know a Sally!

A situation I think many of us can relate to is comparing where we are in life with those that are the same age. 

I bumped into an old friend from secondary school and felt relieved to find someone in the same boat. We spoke about what we were up to now and how crazy the last year has been. The most reassuring part of the conversation, though, was us both saying that we didn't know what we're doing. That we felt comforted that it was common to feel this way. 

I think it's natural for us humans to compare ourselves. It's our brain registering something that we want, for example, to be as happy as the people in the picture or feel a part of something, or wanting to achieve. In that sense, it's not negative at all. Where it's an issue is feeling badly about ourselves. This feeling is quickly followed by guilt for feeling this way. 

I genuinely am happy for others that have wonderful things going on for them and I hope for people to feel happy for me with whatever I get up to. At the same time, I feel pressure to get to their stage too. So it's a vicious cycle.

I think it's also worth noting that growing up I always looked at others and felt rubbish about not being in the same place, but I never stopped to work out if I actually wanted to do what they were doing too. Did I actually want to go to that party? 

Furthermore, an old friend of mine said something that I connected with. She said, I would've liked to have had this confidence at school, but there's something very entertaining about knowing that the people who made fun of me never knew the real me- and probably wouldn't recognize me that much now. Being able to surprise old friends with parts of me that are so different now that challenge who they saw me as.

I often feel anxious about seeing people from my past and messing up in front of them. It's a fear of them seeing me as the quiet girl I once was and looking down on me. However, I was only that quiet at school. Since then I've grown in confidence and achieved so much. Not to toot my own horn too much but I was the freaking student of the year. I thrived from being in a new space and now I've grown into someone new. What I need to remember is that those people have grown too (you'd hope). You're not going to be the same person at 22 as you were at 15.

What has helped me recently is writing goals for what I want in my life; regardless of anxiety. I always say If anxiety wasn't an issue, I would love to...

I also pause in my tracks and think I'm going to leave them to live their life now and I'm going to live mine. Especially useful when I've found myself overthinking too much. Breaks from social media and doing something I enjoy helps with this too.

Speaking of things I enjoy, I recently visited the coast where I had a lovely time eating Brookies (a half brownie half cookie treat - so delish it's now my bakery go-to), building a reading tent, reading books (Mumlife by Louise Pentland, The seven deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle and The Duke and I) and eating ice-cream in the sunshine. 

Don't mind my sexy sea-shoes...

'Twas a v cold day!

I also paddled in the sea which was such a huge relief for me since I've had a bit of a fear of the ocean for so long. I loved it..I felt so free and happy.

My favorite outfit to wear at the moment is this grey frill t-shirt and floral wide-legged cropped trouser combo. I'm loving how comfy I feel in it.

In-between beach and charity shop trips, I've been working on two commissions. The first is a memory quilt and the second is two bunting decorations for a wedding coming up v soon. As long as it's ok to do so, I'll share pictures when they're complete!

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Thank you for reading. Just know that it's normal to feel rubbish and lonely sometimes. Because I do and so do many others. It's also very important to make sure positive quotes like above are seen regularly. Instagram accounts such as Laura Jane Illustrations, Jess Rachel Sharp, and Just Girl Project share beautiful positive quotes that I enjoy seeing every day. 

I hope this helps anyone feeling the same.

Big love, hugs, and squeezes,

Bud xx

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